Museum of Modern

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Trying to Catch Up

Wow it's been almost a year since I last posted. A lot has happened in that year.

I realized I needed help and asked for it.
I started taking an anti-depressant that helped tremendously.
I was feeling like my old self again when I got the news I was pregnant. (Surprise!)
I struggled with going off my medication, and still struggle today.
My motivation even in the 2nd trimester (almost 3rd) is almost non existent.
Ainsley started afternoon preschool and it's going really well. She loves her teacher and friends.
Eric has been traveling a lot more which has been hard but we're managing.
My dad was in a bad farm accident and spent the summer in the hospital and rehab recovering.

Now, even at 6 months pregnant, I'm still trying to be happy about having another baby. I don't mean I don't love this baby. It's taking longer to get used to the idea. I was already feeling out of control and barely making it through each day with 3 kids. Now adding another feels almost impossible.

All I can do is pray God will take care of us and do the best I can each and every day for my family.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

This time it's for Real

I've been trying to start another Whole30 for months. I meal plan, food prep, make it one day on plan and then the headaches are so bad I cave.

I found a great support group on Facebook and it's awesome for motivation but I can't seem to keep myself motivated.

Back in March I completed half of a Whole30 before spring break happened and we traveled and failed to plan. But in those 2-3 weeks my pants felt better and I could visibly tell my stomach was getting flatter. I still used some dressings and such with sugar so the benefits of increased energy and better sleeping hadn't occurred.

I ordered dressings and sauces from Tessamae's a few weeks ago and while they are all compliant, they are not as tasty as I had hoped. Balsamic vinegar is not my favorite flavor but I'm going to make it work because I want those end results.

I've daydreamed, goal set, mentally prepared, and cleared the majority of junk out of my house. My kids will still eat like they did before and my Hubby travels so much he claims it will be too hard to stay compliant (part of me agrees, the other part just thinks he's too lazy to try).

I'm not looking to remedy any health issues, I only wish to see an increase in my energy level and a decrease in my waist size.

I think the final straw was I had to buy a bigger size in jeans. The last time I bought a bigger size I had just had a baby. No baby this time. Only poor eating choices. Winter is coming and I will not cover up with a sweatshirt every day.

This time I'm serious and determined to make it through the entire 30 days. I owe it to myself and my family. My self esteem has taken a hit and my overall attitude has seriously gone downhill.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Happy Anniversary!

Hubby and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary last week. He was traveling for work in Colorado Springs. I spent the evening at church with a wonderful group of Moms so I wasn't alone.

We've never been big on presents and flowers, usually just the occasional card. Well this year we both kind of dropped the ball. Because we didn't see each other last week we didn't have a chance to exchange anything.

A date night did happen this past Saturday after weeks of planning for Hubby to be off (he took a vacation day) and scheduling a babysitter.

We planned a wild night out consisting of a trip to Aldi, a stop at Verizon, Best Buy and dinner at P.F. Chang's.

I know we're real exciting and romantic, but sometimes the best dates consist of running errands and spending time together. The Aldi trip saved me running into Wichita twice that day, our phones are due for an upgrade and we wanted some info about how much our bill would go up (we didn't go with the upgrade but did change our plan).

The battery on our laptop has been dying for over a year. It needs to be plugged in at all times in order to work and that's been a huge inconvenience for us. What a great anniversary gift to each other!

Going into the store, we decided on what we wanted in a computer and how much we wanted to spend. An awesome salesman, James, took great care of us recommended a 2 in 1 Dell laptop that had been returned to the store a week or so before so it was discounted significantly, but still about $100 over our starting budget. We decided to go for it. It was too good of a deal to pass up.

I'm not  even going to pretend I know what I'm talking about when it comes to computers. All I can remember is the laptop had a lot of memory, the battery life was close to 8 hours and it's nice and compact. We lost our 10 key on the keyboard but we were ok w/ that.

Because we were already breaking our budget slightly, we asked James to show us a new printer too. Our old one hadn't worked in roughly 3 years. It was the printer that had come w/ our desktop and that was brand new in 2001.

James showed us a printer that looked like it belonged in a large office facility. It could print, copy, scan and fax and could be used wireless. All for $100!

After making several 80's jokes, we paid for our new technology and left.

Dinner at P.F. Chang's was delicious as always. Hubby and I had eaten little for lunch in preparation for our night out. We ordered from their dinner for two menu and added 2 appetizers. I told you we were hungry.

Two of those appetizers were gone before our entrees arrived and our waiter so eloquently told us, "I have to say you all are impressing me. That was a lot of food."

Hubby and I laughed. When the waiter left we looked at each other in embarrassment and amusement. What a way to boost our self esteem! I pushed my plate away after that remark and asked for a to go container.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Mother-less Day

When Hubby is gone for work I usually binge watch different shows on Netflix. These past 2 weeks I took advantage of one of our local libraries and checked out season 1 of The Millers.

One of the episodes was a Mother's Day episode and Jayma Mays character, her husband and daughter celebrate "Mother-less Day." A day she didn't have to be a mother and her daughter didn't have to follow any rules.

I know Mother's Day has come and gone this year, but I wanted to touch on this subject. Isn't a "Mother-less Day" what every mother really wants each year? The problem is not many mothers want to admit it.

We all feel guilty about wanting to spend a day that's supposed to show Mom how much she's loved and be about family, by ourselves doing whatever we want.

My kids are little and don't fully understand Mother's Day. Carsen knows it's special, but rarely do I receive a gift of any kind. I think this year he was even out of town that weekend.

I usually get to pick the restaurant we eat lunch and take a nap in the afternoon. That's enough for me and I still feel guilty about my husband being alone with the kids for that long a period of time even though I feel I deserve the break.

How can we get over this guilt? We all deserve a break once in awhile and I think once a year isn't too much to ask.

If your husband and kids likes to plan an exciting day of spoiling and pampering you, good for you! If your family has an annual Mother's Day tradition of going out for brunch, that's great too! I love family traditions. Our family hasn't started many yet. We're still hanging on to the traditions we grew up with, hoping to make new ones.

I think next year my plan is to introduce the tradition of "Mother-less Day." If my family knows about it enough in advance, we can all plan accordingly.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Accounting problems

I'm going to admit something to you all. I haven't balanced our checking account in maybe 2 years. After moving here we had to open a new bank account which meant we got a clean slate. A fresh blank check register.

When we opened that new account we also merged our bank accounts. I've never been great at writing down every transaction but with both of us using the account, Hubby quickly stopped saving his receipts after he would use his card. After a few months I couldn't make our account balance.

Surprisingly, we realized the check register wasn't working, we found an app that worked great. I was looking at our account a couple times a week to make sure I had everything written down. It was balancing every time.

Until it wasn't.

I was still keeping track of the checks I wrote and card transactions, but the numbers were still red. Once all the checks cleared, I cleared the app and started over. That lasted about 6 months. I still don't know what I did wrong.

I've slacked again. It might be time to wipe the slate clean again.

Every time Hubby gets paid (every 2 weeks) I sit down Thurs. night, pay our bills, bring the register up to date and budget the next 2 weeks. We use online bill pay as I'm sure most of you do too. It's fast, easy to use and doesn't take much time.

This last bill paying session didn't go so well. I paid what was due, reviewed, did some math, made some notes, and evidently forgot to click finish. None of the bills were paid and I didn't find out until today. 5 days past most of the due dates. Damn interest rates.

And it's all my fault. I put off checking our account b/c I thought I had taken care of everything. Apparently I need to double and triple check from now on.

Why does money have to be so hard?

Sunday, July 26, 2015

When Does School Start?

I've read some great blog posts this past week that have really summed up my life lately. I've been in a kind of funk for several reasons. 

1) I failed at my second attempt at completing a Whole30. 
2) My motivation to do anything has slowly disappeared. 
3) My children are becoming more and more annoying every day. 

My oldest two fight like crazy. Carsen knows how to push buttons and he does so on a routine basis causing Ainsley to either tattle on him or scream her head off and cry because he's doing something she doesn't like. 

Carsen has also developed an attitude and can throw a fit like you've never seen. I'm talking about pouting, stomping, screaming, crying, kicking the seat, throwing his body around, etc. it's really a sight to see. 

And it's very hard for me to control my temper when he does this. I yell, I hit things, kick things, verbalize that I'm annoyed at something or someone, essentially being a great role model. (Insert sarcasm.) He's got a great blue print for how a fit should be thrown. 

I just don't know how many more days I can manage before school starts and he's gone during the day. Don't get me wrong having him home has been great. He keeps Ainsley busy and entertained (they are capable of playing together nicely), he is good about playing with Charlotte and keeping a eye on her when I need to leave the room for a minute, and he's got such an amazing imagination, he loves to create things and make art projects. 

His enthusiasm is so overwhelming though that I find myself more annoyed than excited when he shows me the tracking device or blaster he made out of Lego's when he's already showed me the prototypes before he finally got it right. And it's hard to get excited about the spaceship he made out of a shipping box when there are bits of cardboard box all over the kitchen table and floor. 

Every sentence starts with "Guess what?" and each question is asked at least 3 times before I can catch my breath and answer him. 

I've been especially hard in him these last few weeks and it's my attitude that needs to change. He's acting like a normal 6 year old boy and I'm acting like the worst mom ever. 

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

What's My Age Again?

Hubby is an extreme extrovert, social butterfly type. 

I'm an extreme introvert. I like being around other people, but I like being by myself or with my Hubby only. After all this vacation was about spending time just us. 

Our first night at the resort, we got a drink at a piano bar and hung around for awhile. We met some nice couples and Hubby kept saying we needed to make friends with one of them so we could hang out while we were there. 

After the initial round of singing, introductions were made all around the room and we quickly learned 90% of the couples at the resort were on their honeymoon. There were a handful of others celebrating their 10th like us, their 30th or just taking a trip together. 

The next day on the beach we saw a few of the couples from the piano bar. Each one said hello politely but they had no idea who we were. They'd been too drunk the night before to remember they'd met us. 

Hubby wondered why we couldn't make a connection with anyone. (Let me point out that we weren't introducing ourselves to every couple at the resort. We'd smile at people at the bar or pool and then chit chat.) 

After about 2 days I figured it out. How do I usually connect with someone? My kids. They are a great confidence booster and my number one way of meeting new people. Especially when I have them with me. They're a nice way to break the ice. 

When a good 3/4 of the couples we introduced ourselves to were on their honeymoon, we couldn't very well bond over our children. I was at a loss for conversation beyond "Where are you from?" and "How long are you here for?" 

It was at this time I started to feel old. Sometimes I still think I'm in my mid 20's and then it hits me I'm 32. 

I wasn't scared when I turned 30 and I'm not afraid of getting older. It can just be a rude awakening when the crowd you're with isn't moving at the same speed as you.