I've Lost Something...

Earlier this week I realized my energy, my motivation, my desire to have a clean house, eat healthy or even cook, take a shower, do laundry, interact w/ my children, even the desire to get through another day, all that was gone.

Hubby was gone most of the week, traveling for work. I know that was the main problem, but he's traveled before and I've never felt that depressed, that tired, and that empty.

My to do list was at least a page long and still I couldn't bring myself to pick up the toys in my living room, empty the sink of dirty dishes, run a load of laundry (I wore the same bra 3 days in a row), or wipe off my kitchen counters.

I know we all have these days (even weeks) but I can't shake this "blah" feeling. Is this depression? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? How can I shake this? Hubby is leaving again on Monday for a 3 day trip and I cannot have another week like I just experienced.

I've been telling myself I'm going to start eating right, working out, actually getting up w/ my alarm and getting ready before waking up my kids. I'm tired of feeling tired.

I'm tired of yelling at my kids.

I'm drowning. I'm tired of going through the motions day after day and never getting anywhere.

Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing something over and over again and expecting different results? I'm clearly insane. I wake up late almost every morning, am automatically in a rotten mood b/c I've overslept and then take it out on my kids, yelling and hurrying them along to rush to school on time.

And the solution is so obvious. I've told myself for months if I would just wake up earlier, when my alarm goes off, I could change the mood of the whole house in the morning, but I refuse to do it. I refuse to give in and let go of that sleep in the morning.

Baby C still gets up at least once a night. I've stopped nursing her at night (she's 7 months old, she can make it) so she mainly wants to be held, given her pacifier and rocked. This process is typically pretty easy and doesn't take too long. Yet I get frustrated.

Frustrated b/c she should be sleeping through the night. Why doesn't she? She's full, she's dry, the temperature is comfortable in her room, she has a sound machine, what more could she want? My other two had no problems sleeping through the night at this age. This stage is a whole new concept to me as a parent.

Now that I've shared all my depressing views and feelings w/ you, allow me to end w/ some comic relief: My kids have wanted to watch The Nut Job every day (sometimes twice) for the past week. Now it's a cute movie and I don't mind watching it over and over (unlike My Little Pony: Equestria Girls) but the best part of the movie is the end when the credits are playing.

The song Gangam Style plays and the cartoon version of PSY and the cast of the movie dance. My kids love this part. They try and mimic the animals and characters on the screen w/ their dance moves and poses. Imagine your 5 year old shaking his butt in an imitation of a squirrel doing Gangam Style. It is hilarious. I need to take a video.

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I want my 3 cents back

In a post last week, I confessed my Sonic/caffeine addiction. I'm there so often I know exactly how much our drinks will cost because we order the same thing, or variation of the same thing, every time. 

Our total is $2.22 and I'm not beneath paying with change; I always feel the need to apologize when I hand over a handful of coins. 

A few times I've paid with 2 $1 bills and a quarter, which means I should get back 3 cents right? 

Now I've never been a big tipper at Sonic. (Sorry to any Sonic employees.) One of the biggest reasons is I hardly ever pay with cash. On a rare occasion I do pay with cash I'll use the line, "Keep the change," but even then it's only a dollar or two. 

Evidently the employees at my Sonic assume if the change does not contain bills, they are free to keep it. Now 3 cents isn't enough to get upset about but because this has happened 2 or 3 times I really want to say something. Would that make me look like a bitch? If I asked for the 3 cents? Would they think I was a cheapskate or something? 

I Wish my Kid Rode the Bus

This summer before C started kindergarten he was dying to ride the bus. He asked me over and over if he could ride the bus to school. When I told him no he wanted to know why. 

I explained that he was lucky his Mom stayed home and it was my job to take him to and from school. Not to mention it would cost his dad and me $75 a semester to ride the bus which was less than a mile from our house. 

Now that Hubby has his new job and will be traveling the majority of every month we've been talking about what things could come up w/ the house I would need help with if he was gone. We talked about the usual things: heating/cooling trouble, water heater, plumbing, etc. 

One thing I hadn't thought about was shoveling the driveway. I'm capable of doing it myself (it might take awhile), but I would have to get up super early and leave the kids in the house alone. We have 2 high school boys that live across the street but they're not exactly overachievers. 

This morning it was overcast, raining, and the wind was blowing like crazy. Not ideal weather to walk the 2 blocks we usually walk. (We park at a friends house and walk w/ them.) Especially w/ 2 little girls. 

So I used the dreaded drop off lane. Because of the weather every other parent was doing the same thing so the process took longer than usual. Same thing at pick up. Some parents "camp out" in the drive as early as an hour before school is dismissed. I parked across the street, left the girls in the car and walked to the school. The line to get in the pick up lane stretched out to the street. 

I'm not a fan of rain and snow. With the weather changing and Hubby traveling so much, I may be looking at ways to make extra money. Like $75? 

I'm Addicted to Caffeine

My sister-in-law has to have a Diet Pepsi first thing in the morning. The thought of pop before noon was not appealing to me. 

Nowadays I can't get thru lunch w/o my Coke Zero. Sometimes I have one while making supper too. 

And Sonic Happy Hour is a great thing. 

And the .99 large drinks before 10 AM. 

I'm really a closet Sonic junkie. There I said it. 

It's gotten out of hand, seriously. 3 or 4 days of the week we make a Sonic stop. Whether it's in the morning or after school it varies. 

It's so bad I'm worried the car hops know my car and talk about me after they deliver my drinks. I don't want to be the pathetic mom in the minivan who stops every day. 

But sometimes I'm craving a large fountain pop. 

Nap time Stinks

Ever since Baby C came into our lives it's been harder for me to get "Mommy time" every day at nap time. C quit taking naps when he was 3 1/2. When he is home he gets to play games on the iPad during quiet time. 

Now that school has started and Baby C is growing up the girls and I have established a better routine. The only problem is A needs to lay down at 2 or 2:30 for her nap. She usually takes at least a 2 hour nap, but for the last few weeks she has been fighting her nap pretty hard. 

Some days she'll cry and scream; maybe come out 3-4 times to say she doesn't want to lay down. And more often than not, she falls asleep at 2:30 or so. 

Baby C has been putting herself to sleep at nap time (and sometimes bed time) which is awesome. We're usually on the go most mornings so she doesn't always get a good morning nap and some days she only naps for about an hour depending on what time we get home and how long it takes to make/eat lunch. 

I start getting everyone ready at 3 to pick C up from school. Waking the girls up, changing diapers, putting on shoes, getting a snack or drink, buckling in car seats, etc. This means A only gets about a 30 min nap. Most days she does fine with just a short nap, no fits later in the afternoon or anything like that. 

I'm not ready to totally drop the nap though. She still needs that rest time and I'm finally getting my Mommy time back! 

My Bucket List

1) skydive

2) take a family train trip

3) rent a house on the East coast for a summer 

4) return to Italy, Hawaii, San Francisco 

5) see Seattle, Ireland

6) have a piece published 

7) visit NYC at Christmas time

8) see Trans Siberian Orchestra