This time it's for Real

I've been trying to start another Whole30 for months. I meal plan, food prep, make it one day on plan and then the headaches are so bad I cave.

I found a great support group on Facebook and it's awesome for motivation but I can't seem to keep myself motivated.

Back in March I completed half of a Whole30 before spring break happened and we traveled and failed to plan. But in those 2-3 weeks my pants felt better and I could visibly tell my stomach was getting flatter. I still used some dressings and such with sugar so the benefits of increased energy and better sleeping hadn't occurred.

I ordered dressings and sauces from Tessamae's a few weeks ago and while they are all compliant, they are not as tasty as I had hoped. Balsamic vinegar is not my favorite flavor but I'm going to make it work because I want those end results.

I've daydreamed, goal set, mentally prepared, and cleared the majority of junk out of my house. My kids will still eat like they did before and my Hubby travels so much he claims it will be too hard to stay compliant (part of me agrees, the other part just thinks he's too lazy to try).

I'm not looking to remedy any health issues, I only wish to see an increase in my energy level and a decrease in my waist size.

I think the final straw was I had to buy a bigger size in jeans. The last time I bought a bigger size I had just had a baby. No baby this time. Only poor eating choices. Winter is coming and I will not cover up with a sweatshirt every day.

This time I'm serious and determined to make it through the entire 30 days. I owe it to myself and my family. My self esteem has taken a hit and my overall attitude has seriously gone downhill.

A New Year Indeed

I had high expectations for myself at the beginning of the year (doesn't everyone?). I made my list of resolutions, even broke them down into categories and set them up using Gretchen Rubin's books as a model. Each month focusing on a different project, task or lifestyle change.

The categories were:
-Fitness and Health (at the top of everyone's list I'm sure)
-Budget/Money Management
-Parenting (Orange Rhino challenge)
-Boosting my Blog
-Reading more - I own stacks of books I've never read not to mention a long to read list
-Personal goals - Crystal Paine's Say Goodbye to Survival Mode
-Crafting w/ my kids more
-Take more time for prayer/spiritual time
-De cluttering the house

There's also the mundane resolutions which are more like daily chores you add to your already growing to do list. Stuff like: use lotion every night, wipe down the kitchen counters every night, pick up the living room, etc. These things are almost always the first to go and it's never a big deal. 

Now that we're 3 weeks into the new year, I feel pretty good about my resolutions. I don't have a real plan, just the general idea discussed above. No set schedule of what month these categories would happen just knowing I have a plan is enough.

I had Hubby hang some shelves on one of the walls in our bedroom for all the books I want to read. Get them out there in the open to remind me I need to read them. There's a bit of a theme on those shelves. Parenting, discipline, faith, diet, etc. Evidently, I've had good intentions of bettering myself for quite some time as many of the books I've had for over a year. This year I'm determined to get through them all. That doesn't mean I haven't checked out the occasional book from the library, or course.

My motivation board is set up in the bathroom. It's been in there for a few months but I'm actually using it now!

I got this awesome Erin Condren planner for Christmas just waiting to be filled w/ reminders, meal plans, gym dates, and play dates/activities.

I've started the year off strong going to the Y 3 or 4 times a week. Doing mostly classes, some out of my comfort zone, which is a big step for me!

Did you know it's true what they say about how much better you feel after you've worked out? It's amazing! The key is to keep going back day after day. To keep getting that thrill and rush. On the days I don't go to the Y I'm not as productive around the house, I'm more likely to be in a bad mood and short w/ my kids.

Losing weight has been a large part of my life the past 5 years. All that baby weight that was never lost. After C was born Hubby and I tried South Beach Diet and it worked. After Miss A I was lazy. She was such an unhappy baby I was tired all the time and the motivation never came.

Now that it's been almost a year since Baby C arrived I've finally got the kick in the a$$ I needed. Not to mention events in this coming year: reunions, vacations, warmer weather, swimming to name a few. Right now I would not feel comfortable taking my kids to the pool at the Y, hell I don't think my bathing suit even fits!

Not to mention the closet and dresser full of clothes (mostly pants) I haven't worn in years. And they're such cute pants too. Capri and flood pants I haven't been able to get past my hips since C was born.

So even though I have no idea what category I'll be focusing on next month, the Y classes will still be penciled into my cute planner.

I've Lost Something...

Earlier this week I realized my energy, my motivation, my desire to have a clean house, eat healthy or even cook, take a shower, do laundry, interact w/ my children, even the desire to get through another day, all that was gone.

Hubby was gone most of the week, traveling for work. I know that was the main problem, but he's traveled before and I've never felt that depressed, that tired, and that empty.

My to do list was at least a page long and still I couldn't bring myself to pick up the toys in my living room, empty the sink of dirty dishes, run a load of laundry (I wore the same bra 3 days in a row), or wipe off my kitchen counters.

I know we all have these days (even weeks) but I can't shake this "blah" feeling. Is this depression? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? How can I shake this? Hubby is leaving again on Monday for a 3 day trip and I cannot have another week like I just experienced.

I've been telling myself I'm going to start eating right, working out, actually getting up w/ my alarm and getting ready before waking up my kids. I'm tired of feeling tired.

I'm tired of yelling at my kids.

I'm drowning. I'm tired of going through the motions day after day and never getting anywhere.

Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing something over and over again and expecting different results? I'm clearly insane. I wake up late almost every morning, am automatically in a rotten mood b/c I've overslept and then take it out on my kids, yelling and hurrying them along to rush to school on time.

And the solution is so obvious. I've told myself for months if I would just wake up earlier, when my alarm goes off, I could change the mood of the whole house in the morning, but I refuse to do it. I refuse to give in and let go of that sleep in the morning.

Baby C still gets up at least once a night. I've stopped nursing her at night (she's 7 months old, she can make it) so she mainly wants to be held, given her pacifier and rocked. This process is typically pretty easy and doesn't take too long. Yet I get frustrated.

Frustrated b/c she should be sleeping through the night. Why doesn't she? She's full, she's dry, the temperature is comfortable in her room, she has a sound machine, what more could she want? My other two had no problems sleeping through the night at this age. This stage is a whole new concept to me as a parent.

Now that I've shared all my depressing views and feelings w/ you, allow me to end w/ some comic relief: My kids have wanted to watch The Nut Job every day (sometimes twice) for the past week. Now it's a cute movie and I don't mind watching it over and over (unlike My Little Pony: Equestria Girls) but the best part of the movie is the end when the credits are playing.

The song Gangam Style plays and the cartoon version of PSY and the cast of the movie dance. My kids love this part. They try and mimic the animals and characters on the screen w/ their dance moves and poses. Imagine your 5 year old shaking his butt in an imitation of a squirrel doing Gangam Style. It is hilarious. I need to take a video.