Trying to Catch Up

Wow it's been almost a year since I last posted. A lot has happened in that year.

I realized I needed help and asked for it.
I started taking an anti-depressant that helped tremendously.
I was feeling like my old self again when I got the news I was pregnant. (Surprise!)
I struggled with going off my medication, and still struggle today.
My motivation even in the 2nd trimester (almost 3rd) is almost non existent.
Ainsley started afternoon preschool and it's going really well. She loves her teacher and friends.
Eric has been traveling a lot more which has been hard but we're managing.
My dad was in a bad farm accident and spent the summer in the hospital and rehab recovering.

Now, even at 6 months pregnant, I'm still trying to be happy about having another baby. I don't mean I don't love this baby. It's taking longer to get used to the idea. I was already feeling out of control and barely making it through each day with 3 kids. Now adding another feels almost impossible.

All I can do is pray God will take care of us and do the best I can each and every day for my family.

I've Lost Something...

Earlier this week I realized my energy, my motivation, my desire to have a clean house, eat healthy or even cook, take a shower, do laundry, interact w/ my children, even the desire to get through another day, all that was gone.

Hubby was gone most of the week, traveling for work. I know that was the main problem, but he's traveled before and I've never felt that depressed, that tired, and that empty.

My to do list was at least a page long and still I couldn't bring myself to pick up the toys in my living room, empty the sink of dirty dishes, run a load of laundry (I wore the same bra 3 days in a row), or wipe off my kitchen counters.

I know we all have these days (even weeks) but I can't shake this "blah" feeling. Is this depression? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? How can I shake this? Hubby is leaving again on Monday for a 3 day trip and I cannot have another week like I just experienced.

I've been telling myself I'm going to start eating right, working out, actually getting up w/ my alarm and getting ready before waking up my kids. I'm tired of feeling tired.

I'm tired of yelling at my kids.

I'm drowning. I'm tired of going through the motions day after day and never getting anywhere.

Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing something over and over again and expecting different results? I'm clearly insane. I wake up late almost every morning, am automatically in a rotten mood b/c I've overslept and then take it out on my kids, yelling and hurrying them along to rush to school on time.

And the solution is so obvious. I've told myself for months if I would just wake up earlier, when my alarm goes off, I could change the mood of the whole house in the morning, but I refuse to do it. I refuse to give in and let go of that sleep in the morning.

Baby C still gets up at least once a night. I've stopped nursing her at night (she's 7 months old, she can make it) so she mainly wants to be held, given her pacifier and rocked. This process is typically pretty easy and doesn't take too long. Yet I get frustrated.

Frustrated b/c she should be sleeping through the night. Why doesn't she? She's full, she's dry, the temperature is comfortable in her room, she has a sound machine, what more could she want? My other two had no problems sleeping through the night at this age. This stage is a whole new concept to me as a parent.

Now that I've shared all my depressing views and feelings w/ you, allow me to end w/ some comic relief: My kids have wanted to watch The Nut Job every day (sometimes twice) for the past week. Now it's a cute movie and I don't mind watching it over and over (unlike My Little Pony: Equestria Girls) but the best part of the movie is the end when the credits are playing.

The song Gangam Style plays and the cartoon version of PSY and the cast of the movie dance. My kids love this part. They try and mimic the animals and characters on the screen w/ their dance moves and poses. Imagine your 5 year old shaking his butt in an imitation of a squirrel doing Gangam Style. It is hilarious. I need to take a video.