Trying to Catch Up

Wow it's been almost a year since I last posted. A lot has happened in that year.

I realized I needed help and asked for it.
I started taking an anti-depressant that helped tremendously.
I was feeling like my old self again when I got the news I was pregnant. (Surprise!)
I struggled with going off my medication, and still struggle today.
My motivation even in the 2nd trimester (almost 3rd) is almost non existent.
Ainsley started afternoon preschool and it's going really well. She loves her teacher and friends.
Eric has been traveling a lot more which has been hard but we're managing.
My dad was in a bad farm accident and spent the summer in the hospital and rehab recovering.

Now, even at 6 months pregnant, I'm still trying to be happy about having another baby. I don't mean I don't love this baby. It's taking longer to get used to the idea. I was already feeling out of control and barely making it through each day with 3 kids. Now adding another feels almost impossible.

All I can do is pray God will take care of us and do the best I can each and every day for my family.

Three Kids is Enough, Right?

I had read that a woman knows when she's done having children. The feeling is strong and she's confident about the decision.

When Hubby and I were talking about another baby (#3), we agreed that would be it. After having my third child (Baby C) just 3 months ago, I was positive this was my last time in the OR. (I had c-sections w/ each one.)

Anyone that asked, "Are you done?" was met w/ a quick and serious "YES!" Those first weeks after delivery were full of sleepless nights, a crying infant that was hard to console, and sore, cracked nipples. Not to mention I needed a push every time I wanted to get off the couch or chair and had to use the wall for support when walking. I didn't wish to go through any of that again.

I consigned a bunch of my son's baby clothes in the spring and plan to do the same in a few months w/ his fall/winter clothes. I've gone through my older daughter's things and separated what will work for Baby C and what can go into the sale pile.

Baby C is a fan of the swing, so was my older daughter. She can swing and sleep for hours. (Yay for Mommy time!) I told Hubby that she will most likely be too big or lose interest in it by the time the next consignment sale comes around. She'll be ready for the walker or exersaucer. It seemed like this next sale would be the perfect time to sell the swing.

After those words came out of my mouth, I felt a sadness. This really was my last baby. We'd had that swing since our first was born.

Consigning my son's baby clothes had me feeling nostalgic and a bit emotional but nothing like imagining that swing in someone else's living room.

Hubby and I agreed it was sad to think about getting rid of these baby items that have cluttered our attic, moved w/ us to 3 different houses, and entertained our children. But I was quick to assure him I hadn't changed my mind, Baby C was our last baby.

I never expected to feel this way though. I never thought about how hard it would be to let go. Granted it will be awhile before we get rid of everything, but just as hard. It's like all those people that tell you when you're baby is small "It goes so fast." I didn't know this was true until I had kids. You hear other Moms talk about finally selling their crib or getting rid of the pack 'n play but don't realize what a big step that is. The heartbreak involved.

Not to mention not being pregnant again. I LOVED being pregnant. I wish I would have taken more time to enjoy it this last time. Taken more pictures, that sort of thing.

Did you know when you were done having children? Did you catch "baby fever" and decide to give in?

1 Month to Go

Now b/c I've been MIA for the past 2 months you all that read this blog have no idea what I'm referring to in the title of my post.

I'm 1 month away from giving birth to my 3rd child. (C-section actually.)

I've read a lot of stories about how 3 children is either the perfect balance or the perfect nightmare. Hubby and I planned this pregnancy so we knew what we were getting into but that doesn't mean the doubts aren't there.

We keep joking about how much we love our sleep and are able to sleep through the night now w/ our 2 older kids. Are we really ready for that part of parenthood? The sleepless nights, reading the signs for why the baby's crying?

But then we look at all the newborn pictures of our 2 other kids and remember the smiles, coos and faces they made. Plus after what our daughter put us through (colic, constant nursing, and didn't prefer sleeping alone) I think we're ready to handle anything.

Hubby and I took a tour of the hospital b/c we will be having this baby at a new hospital than the previous 2 kids. It's a much larger hospital but the maternity ward is being updated which is a plus.

We learned during the tour that there is no nursery in the maternity ward. The baby will be in our room DAY AND NIGHT.

Hubby and I looked at each other in a panic. Our previous 2 babies spent every night in the nursery, only coming into my room when they needed to be fed. How were we going to have a pseudo-restful night w/ our baby in the same room?

Great parents, right?

There is a full size bed so we'll have the luxury of sleeping together. (Before we each had our own twin size bed.) I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not.

It will be nice to sleep w/ him, but I expect to be somewhat uncomfortable and when the baby wants to nurse Hubby will be just as inconvenienced as me. Not to mention that if I need to sleep at an inclined position, he has to sleep that way too. (That's to say the bed has that option.)

I still have a million things to do. Sure most everything is moved into the nursery, but as far as organization goes the room still needs some work. Totes need to be gone through to find clothes (we don't know the sex of this baby), the mobile, car seat, etc.

We moved our 2 older kids into the same room (more on that later) and it's going really well. Let's hope the arrival of this baby doesn't screw w/ our system.

I have a Hemorrhoid

I know this is a lovely topic (and image) to be talking about so close to Christmas but I found I just had to share.

This is in fact my 3rd(!) hemorrhoid ever. (Please feel sorry for me.) The first was after I had my first baby. Like all new mothers, I was constipated, every time I went to the bathroom it felt like I had to go #2. Right? I would sit for hours and nothing would happen.

Well, finally I got out my mirror and saw my little friend. The good news was it was barely noticeable comfort wise and was gone within a day.

My second hemorrhoid experience was last year at this time. I don't remember any significant bathroom habits, I wasn't pregnant, I was simply uncomfortable when sitting and had that familiar feeling that something was still hanging on back there.

I went to the bathroom, again armed w/ my hand mirror, and revealed the culprit. I called my aunt (a nurse) and told her what I saw. She recommended pushing it back in. WTF? I informed her that was not an option.

She then suggested asking my Hubby to help. Did she think I wanted to totally kill my sex life? That was definitely out. I bought some cream and applied a couple times a day.

I was uncomfortable for days this time around. It was the week before Christmas and I was praying it would be gone by the time we traveled to see family. Luckily, it stopped hurting and shrunk about 3 days before we left.

Now for this 3rd time. I'm 6 months pregnant and it's the week before Christmas. After feeling uncomfortable for most of the day, I had the sinking feeling I knew what the problem was.

Sure enough, my hand mirror showed me another visitor.

Like the first one, this one hasn't been too painful and is almost gone which is a good thing because my pregnant belly makes it hard to see anything. I again called my aunt not really for advice but just to marvel at the coincidence that this happened at the same time last year. She again suggested I push it back in.

Now, I'm going to share something that may be TMI, but I think it's important to the story so stop reading right now if you want...

I haven't spent a lot of time researching hemorrhoids because I already know/knew how to take care of them and what causes them, but I am curious as to what they are supposed to look like.

Mine looks like a lima bean so I'm confused as to how I'm supposed to push this thing back in. If it were more like a button or mole I could understand, but this is too oblong and almost flabby.

I really hope this isn't the start of some holiday tradition my body has decided to adopt.