Museum of Modern

Sunday, June 23, 2013

My Name is Megan ... and I have no idea who I am

Updated version

As I stated in an earlier post, I turned 30 on my last birthday. Like anyone reaching a milestone birthday, I've done some reflecting on my life.

I took a Philosophy class about 2 years ago and hated it. I'm not a deep thinker nor am I one to take risks and speak my mind.

The final for this class was to write 2 essays. The first question being: What did you expect to learn from this class? The second: What DID you learn from this class?

We were given these questions a week before the final so I had time to think about my answers. And what I came up w/ (and have probably already subconsciously knew) is that I am a naive person.

It was handed down to me by my mom who thinks the best of everyone, gives them the benefit of the doubt, and has to make conversation w/ every person she meets.

Not to mention, we didn't have a lot of "family" discussions about sex, alcohol, etc. My mom just assumed I learned everything I needed to know in school which was true, but it would have been nice to have my mom to talk to about it.

I was also your typical good girl who did everything I was supposed to, never broke the rules (much), and looked the other way when something uncomfortable was going on.

So this Philosophy opened my eyes a little to the fact that I had no idea who I was as a person. I had my BA in English (Creative Writing), I was a wife and mother, I had a part time job I really enjoyed, and I was pregnant w/ my 2nd child.

Yet I didn't really have a feel for who I was. I've really started thinking about this a month or 2 before my birthday and have yet to come up w/ an answer.

Don't get me wrong, I love being a wife, mother, etc. but feel like my life is lacking something. In high school I wanted to be a screenwriter, in college I just wanted to write something and get published.

Now I'm just struggling to find the time to write anything (hence this blog was formed).

Anyone else out there struggling w/ their identity?

It's been a year since I wrote the above post. I now have 3 children, the oldest is in kindergarten. I still feel like I'm lacking in areas. Again, I love being a mother but feel that's all anyone ever sees me for. I'm Carsen's mom when I volunteer in his classroom. When I go home to visit my parents everyone wants to see the kids, that's my purpose in life: to give people optimal viewing of my children. 

Even my Hubby (who is super supportive of me and completely understanding) I feel only sees me as a Mom. We took a Marriage retreat class w/ 4 other couples thru our church earlier this year and when asked to name something you admire about your spouse, every husband in the room stated their wife was a good mother. 

Now I'm proud my Hubby thinks I'm a good mom. I'd be upset if he didn't, but I didn't want my whole identity to be simply Mom. 

I like to think of myself as a writer, a great organizer, an entertainment junkie, a great typist, and a great friend. Now these may not sound like great characteristics, but they mean something to me and I want people to know those in addition to the great mother thing. 

I'm going to continue to find my identity and truth be told I may never find her, but I need to get out of my comfort zone and find her. 

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