Museum of Modern

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I have a Hemorrhoid

I know this is a lovely topic (and image) to be talking about so close to Christmas but I found I just had to share.

This is in fact my 3rd(!) hemorrhoid ever. (Please feel sorry for me.) The first was after I had my first baby. Like all new mothers, I was constipated, every time I went to the bathroom it felt like I had to go #2. Right? I would sit for hours and nothing would happen.

Well, finally I got out my mirror and saw my little friend. The good news was it was barely noticeable comfort wise and was gone within a day.

My second hemorrhoid experience was last year at this time. I don't remember any significant bathroom habits, I wasn't pregnant, I was simply uncomfortable when sitting and had that familiar feeling that something was still hanging on back there.

I went to the bathroom, again armed w/ my hand mirror, and revealed the culprit. I called my aunt (a nurse) and told her what I saw. She recommended pushing it back in. WTF? I informed her that was not an option.

She then suggested asking my Hubby to help. Did she think I wanted to totally kill my sex life? That was definitely out. I bought some cream and applied a couple times a day.

I was uncomfortable for days this time around. It was the week before Christmas and I was praying it would be gone by the time we traveled to see family. Luckily, it stopped hurting and shrunk about 3 days before we left.

Now for this 3rd time. I'm 6 months pregnant and it's the week before Christmas. After feeling uncomfortable for most of the day, I had the sinking feeling I knew what the problem was.

Sure enough, my hand mirror showed me another visitor.

Like the first one, this one hasn't been too painful and is almost gone which is a good thing because my pregnant belly makes it hard to see anything. I again called my aunt not really for advice but just to marvel at the coincidence that this happened at the same time last year. She again suggested I push it back in.

Now, I'm going to share something that may be TMI, but I think it's important to the story so stop reading right now if you want...

I haven't spent a lot of time researching hemorrhoids because I already know/knew how to take care of them and what causes them, but I am curious as to what they are supposed to look like.

Mine looks like a lima bean so I'm confused as to how I'm supposed to push this thing back in. If it were more like a button or mole I could understand, but this is too oblong and almost flabby.

I really hope this isn't the start of some holiday tradition my body has decided to adopt.

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