Museum of Modern

Friday, September 26, 2014

Am I Failing at my Job?

I've been so sporadic w/ my blog posts ever since I started this blog that I can't remember how I introduced myself. So I'm going to start over. Pretend this is the 1st time I'm writing to you all out there.

 I'm 31 years old, I live in Kansas w/ my Hubby of 9 years, our 3 kids and our dog. My son (C) is 5 and just started kindergarten, my oldest daughter (A) just turned 3, and the baby girl (Baby C) is 6 months. (The dog is 8 in case anyone was wondering.)

C is very laid back, curious, observant, and highly emotional. He gets upset over the smallest things. "My cracker broke in half." "I wanted the baseball cup." "I wanted to brush my teeth first." Imagine these are being said in the whiniest of voices. This causes much anxiety and stress for all of us. He's better now that he's getting older but there are still some times he'll cry over nothing.

We're a month into kindergarten so we're still giving him some slack adjusting to a new routine. I find it hard most mornings not to snap when he cries over not wanting to wear the clothes I've laid out.

A is blond and blue eyed, has a winning smile, and looks utterly adorable. She's also the sassiest little girl I've ever encountered. The terrible 3's have certainly hit our house. She likes to talk back, scream, throw fits, demand to play on my Iphone or Ipad, and torment her brother, which basically means she hurts him. C does his fair share of the antagonizing, but A is the one to take it to the physical level.

Hubby just got a new job that has him traveling quite a bit. We knew this opportunity was coming and knew what it would mean for me at home. I was okay w/ it, I still am, but some days it's hard being the only one home. Especially during that 4-6 PM time period. That's when I lose my mind. I haven't had a minute to myself all day to sit down and unwind. I'm tired, cranky and instantly on edge. This means I yell at my kids at the drop of a hat. (I know you've all been there too.)

 Just now C came in crying b/c A had scratched him on his collarbone. I looked and yeah she got him good. A scratch about an inch and a half and it was bleeding. Last night, she bit him in the bathtub. (They still take a bath together. Think what you will but it saves time.)

I put my head in my hands, counted to 10, and fought back the tears.

I find myself taking these "moments" where I count to 10 more and more frequently, especially since school has started. Some days I just completely lose my cool and don't bother counting. Then I feel like a jerk. Is that the way my kids are looking at me? Are they scared of me?

And then there's the guaranteed to make you feel like a crap parent when your kid yells at their sibling b/c that's the example you set.

 This should be my "Aha!" moment, and it was for a few weeks, but then school started and I had to get up earlier than normal, adjust my routine, had to make sure lunch was packed for the next day and the girls and I were prepped for whatever activity we had going on, not to mention keeping up the day to day housework. And the baby STILL isn't sleeping through the night.

 I know my triggers, know how to avoid that rushed feeling in the mornings, but I refuse to change my routine. I continue to fail at this aspect of my job as a Mom and it depresses me to no end. I feel like absolute garbage when I yell at my kids before 8 AM.

My goal for next week is to get out of bed the first time my alarm goes off. This is going to be hard b/c Hubby will be gone for 4 days next week. Wish me luck!

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